THE REVISIONIST

Exposing the Santa Claus Hoax
A Holiday Fable

By Bill Halvorsen
 

THE VISALIA RECORD

MONDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2001 ***** TODAY'S FORECAST: Blustery
 

Today's SPECIAL HOLIDAY EDITION is written by the students and teachers of the 3rd grade at Judge Gray Elementary School

Today's Headlines:

Is Santa Claus a Hoax?

Toilets Overflow in Boys Room

The Busdriver's Hamster Died

Is Santa Claus a Hoax?

Children at Judge Gray Elementary School were shocked the other day when a student got up in front of class and announced that there was no Santa Claus.

Right after morning recess last Tuesday, Davy Irving, 9, got up for show and tell. While demonstrating the mechanism for using an Enigma machine that he had "found" behind the Audio Visual room, he calmly announced: "There is no Santa Claus. Santa is a hoax, just ask your parents."

To the gasps of the assembled toddlers, Irving also announced, "More Christmas presents are found in the trunk of your Mom and Dad's car than at the North Pole. That's for damn sure."

Screaming and weeping toddlers were immediately sent home.

Comments from the Principal's office were varied. "I think it's outrageous that children should be told that Santa Claus doesn't exist," announced Gerry Schroeder, Principal of Judge Gray Elementary. "Of course, he does. How could all the parents be lying?" Principal Schroeder was seconded by Vice Principals Sharon and Blair. The janitor, Mr. Van Pelt, giggled and said something about "moral certainly" and "epodislomogical" something as he replaced the roll of paper towels in the Boys Room after stopping the toilets that were overflowing. (See related story)

Bus driver Mr. Wiesel, who was in the teachers' room getting a can of soda out of the machine, said, "No Santa Claus? How can these children be so cruel?"

After school the parents staged a protest march on the school and demanded the expulsion of any student who questioned the existence of Santa Claus.

Santa Claus Denial

There have always been those who deny the existence of Santa Claus. Such people would also like to deny children any presents at Christmastime. They'd like to see Christmas vacation gotten rid of. They'd like to see you go to school every single day of the year. They'd like to have the toys you already have taken away from you. Santa Claus Deniers must be destroyed.

Denying Santa Claus: The Struggle Between Toys and Communism

By Debbie Lipstadt, 3rd grade

There are people who deny that Santa Claus existed. There are lots of people like that. They are also known as child molestors. We must fight, fight, fight against the Santa Claus deniers. They must not win. Last week, when Mrs. Dawidowicz came to class and played the piano and we all sat around and sang "John Henry, was a steel driving man." That made me think of something. I forgot.

Oh, yes. John Henry worked in a mine. They had canaries in the mine. I'd like to be a canary in a mine. Wouldn't you? We must stop Santa Claus deniers. Their lies cannot be allowed to stand up. We will fight for our rights and our presents. Or else the time for presents will be past.

Sure, people say there was no Santa Claus. But answer me this one question. If there was no Santa Claus, where do the toys come from? And who eats the cookies and drinks the milk left out for Santa?

Hyperborean Humbug -- Exposing the Santa Claus Hoax

By Mark Weber & Teddy O'Keefe, 3rd grade

All this stuff about Santa is a myth. Millions of American kids are brainwashed every year to accept this nonsense about an old fat man who touches his nose and goes down your chimney, leaving toys out. It's not true. The toys are all bought by your moms and dads, and after they put them under the tree they drink the milk and eat the cookies you left out for them. It's a hoax, and all the grownups are in on it.

In essence, Santa is part of structure imposed on the minds of impressionable children from without. The myth of a Hyperborean Toymaker, who lauds good children, and punishes bad ones, is clearly a reflection of an ancient mythos that has its roots if not in the Epic of Gilgamesh then at least in the more obscure passages of Diodorus Siculus. It is time for us to outgrow childish things.

Santa Cannot Climb Down the Chimney!
By Carlo Mattogno, 3rd grade

No Hoofprints, No Reindeer
By Bobby Faurisson, 3rd grade