OJ Simpson Pronounces Himself "Vindicated" But Still Cannot Spell It
June 9, 1998 (from wire services)
In a startling new development, the former commandant of Auschwitz has confessed to the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman in June, 1994, in a signed confession found on the grounds of the Happy Hunting Golf Park and Water Slide, in Onomatopoeia, Ohio.
Yesterday, David Thomas, an amateur golfer, found some difficulty in planting his tee at the 14th hole. Scratching the dirt revealed a rusty coffee can, and inside, a typed document in English with the typed signature of the former commandant of Auschwitz, Rudolf Hoess. The document's authenticity was swiftly confirmed by Lord Dacre, Hugh Trevor Roper, and Rabbi Marvin Hier of the Simon Wiesenthal Center in Los Angeles, California.
The documents reads as follows:
"I, Rudolf Hoess, confess to the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman on June 17, 1994. I received secret written instructions on how to commit these murders from Columbian drug lords. I was told to destroy these secret written instructions as soon as I had read them. I was told to commit the murders in such a way that OJ Simpson would be implicated. To that end I showed the secret document to Martin Bormann and Dr. Mengele and they went out and drew blood from Mr. Simpson while he was asleep in the shower. Then this blood was given to me in a tube of some kind, I do not remember exactly how.
I waited in the bushes of the house, and when the woman came home I began to stab her. I was interrupted by a young man who called out to me. Because of the secret Fuehrer Order to kill all Jews, I also killed him too, and then went back to the woman and completed my assignment. Then I sprinkled the blood from the tube onto the ground, went to Mr. Simpson's house and sprinkled more blood on the driveway, went into the house, played with the lights, went back outside and hid one of the gloves in back by the air conditioner and banged my head in the process. Then I poured half a pint of bourbon into a glass.
(signed) Rudolf Hoess"
"It is an amazing convergence of evidence" said Michael Shermer, professor of bicycling at Occidental College. "Every element that we know to be true of the Simpson murders is mentioned in the document, and that makes it valuable corroboration."
"How much more evidence do we need?" claimed Johnny Cochrane, star defense attorney of the Simpson team. "OJ said all of this at the first trial, and now, a voice from the grave confirms it." Asked about testing the document for its authenticity, Cochrane replied:
"I ain't got to see no stinking testing. The man confirms what OJ says. How could he be doing that if he wasn't there? Anyone who questions this document is a racist."
In an amazing irony, OJ Simpson was at the clubhouse of the Happy Hunting Golf Park and Water Slide when the document was found, preparing for a celebrity golf tournament held by the John Wayne Gacey Foundation, which organizes clown shows for terminally ill AIDS patients. "I feel vindicated," said Simpson, "because I knew all along that I didn't do it. Now it turns out that it was done by a German Nazi. But that shouldn't be a surprise to anyone."
Rabbi Hier announced that Senator Al D'Amato of New York would be point man in an effort to make the German government pay reparations to the families of the Browns, Simpsons, Goldmans, and the descendants of Jesse Owens. The OSI announced plans to speed up the extradition and impoverishment of each and every person in the United States who so much as waved at Adolf Hitler. "Clearly, once a Nazi always a Nazi. If these people are not weeded out they will kill again," said the director of the government agency. "I remind you that Onomatopoeia, Ohio is not that far from Cleveland" an oblique reference to John Demjanjuk, who, according to an anonymous source, may have been an accomplice to Hoess.
In a symbolic gesture, the commissioners of baseball, basketball, and football retired the jersey number "6,000,000" in perpetuity. Meanwhile, Steven Spielberg announced plans for a new film, tentatively titled, "Undead Knife Wielding Sex Killers From Auschwitz" or "Schwindler's Other List".
Rudolf Hoess was hanged in 1947.
Our favorite kind of sacred cow. The appearance of the Boeuf Gras float is a tradition in the Rex parade on Mardi Gras morning, symbolizing the fatted ox slaughtered for the final feast of Carnival and the last meat eaten before the Lenten season begins.
Elie Orders a Whopper
Elie Wiesel drags himself with a quiet nobility into a busy Burger King and approaches the counter...
Burger Person: "GooddaymayItakeyourorderplease?", she machineguns cheerfully.
EW: "Good day? Good day... yes, it is a good day... for you yet another. For me, for we the survivors and our children and grandchildren, forever robbed of our peace, haunted by the dark nightmares of Auschwitz, Belsen, the shadow of a God who turned his head... for us, there will never be another good day..."
BP: "Oh."... [pause] "Uh. Can I get you something today, sir?"
[Elie's sensitive features contort in a rictus of anguish]
EW: You ask me to choose. But if a man can choose, then he can choose evil, and he can be judged. Ultimately, we all have a choice. I still have faith in humanity, that after this terrible lesson we have learned we will make the right choice in future. I have not given up on God or on humankind, though in my darkest hours I asked him, "WHY", WHY he had allowed little children to die!"
[The customer behind Elie is glowering over his shoulder—the cashier catches the manager's eye, and the manager opens another register for the growing line]
BP: [sympathetically but with growing irritation]: "How about a cup of coffee and a cinnabun? Free newspapers over there...!"
EW: "Free? We will never again be free, our freedom died with the screams of those who were forever silenced!!!" [sobs]
BP: [alarmed]: "Godawmighty, mister, can I CALL someone for you!?"
Date: Sunday, February 14, 1999 5:05:29 AM From: [omitted] Subj: Re: Re: Berlin memorial! To: [email protected] In a message dated 2/13/99 10:48:29 PM, [email protected] wrote: >After the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989, the city offered a >prime spot for the memorial next to the Brandenburg Gate. Kohl >took a personal interest in the campaign, despite a bevy of >bizarre design proposals, including a giant skull with victims' >names encircling the brain and a Ferris wheel built of railway >cattle cars\. My muse is awakened by these electric images. Some imMemorial Verse is in order! I shall use the tragic holohaiku form. It resembles ordinary haiku except for the requirement of a title and a minimum of one missing syllable\.
There Goes My Reason for Living, There Goes The Thing of My Dreams
Gas chambers depart
Like shadows from the light
My tears in vain!
Proof? Poof! ! ? .
Oh, No! No Mo' Woe To Go. So?
Gas chambers vanish
Spiders in morning dew
What hug now, brown cow?
(With apologies to Kapitänleutnant Achmed N'bongo Müller of the U666, Sea of Tranquility. So sue me.)
(The above is slightly abbreviated to save my fingertips)
Additional information about this document
|Title:||Auschwitz Commandant Confesses to OJ Simpson Murders & Elie Orders a Whopper, A look at the lighter side of serious things...|
|First posted on CODOH:||June 7, 1998, 7 p.m.|